Let’s Talk About Sex…When and What to Disclose to a Potential Partner

Let’s Talk About Sex…When and What to Disclose to a Potential Partner by Dr. Stacey MacKinnon

“I am dating this great person and we’re getting close to having sex for the first time. When is the right time to explain that I…..” Whether this conversation is taking place months after your first date or between the main course and dessert, we are often uncomfortable knowing what to disclose about our past sex lives and when to do so. Let’s face it, in most cases this is not a particularly comfortable situation and bring to mind visuals that can be hard to shake. The hard truth however is that there is information you need to know before engaging in sex with a new partner and the time and place to get it is NOT over appetizers on your first date not when you’re already in bed.

Let’s break it down:

Question 1: Are you a virgin?

Dr. MacKinnon says: I know you’re laughing right now! It is not impossible however that someone may be having sex for the first time in their 20s, 30s or even 40s and as a responsible partner you need to know. It may also be the case that if they were previously married they have only been with one person and may be feeling nervousness very similar to someone who is having sex for the first time. If nothing else though, this is a great ice breaker question that will get a potentially awkward conversation off on a positive note!

Question 2: When was the last time you were tested for a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and what were the results?

Dr. MacKinnon says: Unfortunately many well-meaning people, and you may be one of them, will assume a) you couldn’t possibly have one and/or b) their doctor tests for these things when they get blood work done or have an annual check up. This is not the case. First off, just because you have been monogamous in your past relationships doesn’t mean your partner(s) were. So-called “good” people are just as prone to STIs as anyone else. Second, the majority of doctors DO NOT automatically test their patients for STIs. If a person hasn’t specifically asked for testing AND heard the doctor explicitly say “your tests for chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, HIV etc… have come back negative” then they should not assume that testing has taken place. For yourself, get the tests run ASAP by talking directly to your family physician and ask for a copy of the results to keep. For the potential partner, ask if he/she will get tested ASAP so you can move on to the good stuff with a calm mind and revved up hormones! This isn’t a matter of trust, it’s a matter of health and sexual safety. A partner who really wants to be with you and has nothing to hide won’t have a problem with it. Remember, having an STI does not mean that you can never have sex. It does mean that you and your partner need to be able to make an informed choice about the kinds of sex you are going to have and, if you choose to go ahead with it, use extra precautions.

Question 3: Is this sexual relationship going to be exclusive or are you keeping the door open to having sexual relationships in addition to this one?

Dr. MacKinnon says: This isn’t a matter of moral judgment or a way to trick someone into making a relationship more serious than it actually is (nor is it an invitation to a threesome either!), it is simply a question that clears the air and makes sure no one is going into a sexual encounter with unrealistic expectations. Knowing that a sexual relationship is not going to be exclusive (at least for the time being) allows both partners to decide whether being together sexually is the right thing for each of them. If it is not going to be exclusive and you are comfortable with that, then have fun! If it’s not, then people who don’t like to share their sexual partners with others have the opportunity to say “thanks but no thanks”. The key here is to be honest. If you don’t like the idea of your partner having sex with others while he/she is having a relationship with you, then say so. Don’t think “oh it won’t happen so I won’t say anything” or “I don’t have to worry about it because I’ll be enough for him/her” or “I’m sure I can change his/her mind” because at best you’ll be living on pins and needles and at worst you’ll be wrong and end up hurt. Conversely, if you feel it’s important not to limit yourself sexually (at this stage or ever) then say so. It’s neither right nor wrong, it just is. Give your partner the opportunity to make an informed choice about whether these circumstances are right for him/her and you’ll both be happier for it.

Question #4: Though not a question, a point you want to make clear is that “no” means “NO”.

Dr. MacKinnon says: Date rape isn’t only an issue for teenagers. Perhaps you’re saying to yourself, “that would never happen to me” or “I’d never do that to someone”…well, think again. In my own research, when we asked men and women how many of them had been date raped, only 7% indicated they had been through this experience. However, when we took the label of “date rape” off and simply asked them if they had ever been pushed further than they were comfortable going sexually even after voicing this concern to their partner, over 1/3 of our participants indicated they’d had this experience! This means that when the stigma of the label was removed over 33% of our participants admitted they had experienced the common definition of date rape. One step in the right direction is to mean what you say, and say what you mean. Whether you are a man or a woman, gay or straight or anywhere in-between, when one partner says “no” whatever activity was going on must cease immediately with no hard feelings and no questions asked. “No” should never mean or be interpreted as meaning “try harder to convince me” or “good people don’t want to do this but I do so I’m saying no but you can keep going anyway”.

Keep it simple. “No” means “NO” the first time it is said. This could mean the entire sexual encounter stops right there or it could mean that you stop doing what is making one partner uncomfortable and move on to something both of you will enjoy. Either way, respect your partner enough to mean “no” when you say it and to stop whatever you’re doing when you hear it.

Are you Single and love to Travel? Join for Free @ Singles Who Travel and start meeting other Singles Who Love to Travel.